One of the most valuable things I’ve learned in the past year or so is that you can never truly leave a mark on someone through your influence. That stuff is for your own self, and if someone changes to be a certain way, it happened because they had wanted it to. Whether it’s a step towards light or darkness, their own perception is all that matters to them, and in that sense I think all humans are very self-interested.
The past couple of weeks I have felt uneasy, anxious, and out of place. Emotionally unstable. Wanting to crawl out of my own skin. Hideous inside and out. And outcasted. The sense of comfort and escape this city offered me had started to fade. What felt like a family once…felt so distant.
But today? Today felt like the good old days. I saw that they cared. I was able to show them I love them.
Today was perfect. Exhausting, hilarious, much needed - perfect.
Words can’t describe how much I love Adam and Yusra. How blessed I am to call them my family, a part of my core, reasons I am who I am today. There are friendships that are tested over and over - I am proud to say that we pass every test, one way or another, together, always.
Feeling such content after so long. Alhamdulillah.
I hate friendships where I find myself constantly apologizing for things I shouldn’t be apologizing for in order to be the bigger man and maintain the relationship. It no longer feels like a friendship. More so, a pity. We used to be friends so let me constantly call a truce, for your lack of effort/knowing how to be a good friend, just so we can move on. But we never really move on. It’s the same cycle over and over again. But I keep dealing with it ‘cause I told myself I would never walk out on her like all her other friends so now I am taking all the hits cause she has no one left to punch.
And I’m getting so so so tired and honestly have done everything within my power, I just wish I had it in me to walk away. To leave. ‘Cause I’m supposed to be fighting for her, not with her.
So frustrated, I can’t help but cry. If anyone has any advice on what I should do to help/cope with this please do tell me, I don’t know what else to do.
Despite being so insanely exhausted, I still managed to have a really productive day! I pushed through despite wanting crawl under my desk and fall asleep.
I don’t know about you guys but I have a hard time skipping classes. I tell myself I will, usually because I need time to finish a project, but then I hear a voice in my head that won’t let me be at peace until I decide to go to class. And that voice ..belongs to my dad.
I kid you not, I hear Abbus voice in my head telling me he taught me better. And that he would be so disappointed. -_____-. It’s sooooo annoying LOL.
Anyway, today I woke up at 5AM and drove 2hrs back to campus and then went straight to my 9AM class and stayed productive till I finished my classes at 5PM and then fit in a nap and I ran some errands and fit in 2 meetings. Now it’s 11:30PM and I am going to study and I am supa proud of myself y’all - hopefully I stay consistent!
Lord only knows I am incredibly blessed to have such a thoughtful, considerate, and helpful being as my father.
The lengths he goes to in order to make me happy really do baffle me.
I really do take him for granted at times. He is my biggest motivation and fuel. Seeing him work so hard to keep our family together and secure only pushes me to work that much harder.
Last week a friend of mine called me saying how she was was upset that her father wouldn’t pick her up from campus because he didn’t want to have to make a trip that weekend and the following weekend for her fall break. I was so incredibly shocked. I’ve never had my father deny coming to get me - despite his busy schedule he somehow always made time for me. And here was my friend who called her to dad to get her the weekend of Eid and he said no? The weekend of Eid of all times - he denies his only daughter? Just because he didn’t want to make two trips?
And then there is my dad. Who I called last minute Saturday morning asking if I could come home. He told me there was no way he could get me because he would be at work all day - bills need to be paid and money is tight - he needs all the time in at work that he can get. Of course I was disappointed, but I understood. One hour later he calls back saying he will come get me later that night. He felt guilty. He didn’t want to refuse me coming home. I promise you, I cried because he has such a good heart. At that moment I was reminded of my friend. Her dad denied her one trip, where as mine made a two hour trip to pick me up, then two hours back home. Then the next day he dropped me off again and drove back at 5AM so I wouldn’t miss my classes. Thats 8 hours of driving he did for me - just so I could have ONE night at home.
My father and I have never been too vocal about how much we love each other. But his actions scream it loud and clear.
These acts of his selflessness are the examples I am led by daily. I only hope I can be half the kind hearted individual he is, mA.
May Allah preserve him and bless him with all the happiness in this world and provide for him all that which I am unable to give. Ameen.